Ferrari's wine waiter on the pitwall – French GP Goin' up, Goin' Down

What could well be Formula 1’s last ever race at Paul Ricard or even in France had all the absurdity of a Camus novel to see it off.

Under a burning, blinding sun Charles Leclerc binned it from the lead, Ferrari had an existential crisis on the pitwall, Nico Rosberg’s head floated round like something from an absinthe-induced night terror and the FIA’s VSC system went completely cuckoo as George Russell and Sergio Perez engaged in a game of ‘who can drive slowest’.

It was dramatic, maddening, amusing and sad all at once – Going up, Going Down at the 2022 French GP.

Goin’ Down

Charles Lecrash

Leclerc once more threw away a crucial advantage when he held all the cards, this time in a place it hurts more than most, the French GP.

Pole runs in Baku 2019 and Monaco 2021 were surrendered to shunts, he spun off out of third in Imola this year and now probably his worst mistake in Paul Ricard, crashing out of the lead when seemingly having the grand epreuve in his pocket.

That scream of “Nooo” was harrowing, and will live long in the motor sport memory – pretty much Leclerc’s and Ferrari’s season summed up in one utterance.

To be or knot to be

To celebrate 100 years of Aston Martin in grand prix racing, Sebastian Vettel got behind the wheel of the TT1 ‘Green Pea’, which the brand entered in the 1922 French GP on the streets of Strasbourg.

Prior to hitting Paul Ricard in the 100-year-old beast, Vettel slipped into some period garb – or at least tried to.

53 wins, 57 pole positions, 38 fastest laps – but Seb can’t do a tie.

Or maybe he just didn’t feel like it that day.

Looking dapper, Seb.#SV5 gets dressed into a vintage 1920s outfit before heading out on track in the debut @astonmartin Grand Prix car, Green Pea.#F1 #FrenchGP #AstonMartin pic.twitter.com/Vqlc3zUnpF

— Aston Martin Aramco F1 Team (@AstonMartinF1) July 21, 2022

Mixed messages

Ferrari’s strategy and communication isn’t up to much more than Leclerc’s driving apparently. Whilst Carlos Sainz was getting to the business end of the field after scything his way through from the back, Ferrari’s pitwall sounded like a befuddled wine waiter who’s just been transplanted from Palermo to Provence.

Sainz’s strategist appeared to trace his finger down the menu, cautiously suggesting the Chateau Vignelaure or the Pibarnon Bandol whilst the Spaniard was involved in F1’s equivalent of a buccaneer’s sword fight, attempting to get past Sergio Perez.

The final instruction to pit came whilst Sainz was mid-duel, a seemingly pointless option as the driver –who had laboured so much to get past the Mexican – did eventually get into the top three.

Ferrari reasoned that lack of tyre life made pitting the right decision, but it does seem a massively conservative approach. Lewis Hamilton has shown at Monaco ’19, Turkey ’20 and Silverstone ’20 that crucial results can be garnered by taking tyres to the absolute limit and seeing what happens.

Fitting the crime

FIA stewards appeared inconsistent again – if they’re going to punish drivers for causing collisions, why not do it properly?

On the first lap Esteban Ocon clumsily speared into Yuki Tsunoda, who had equalled his best qualifying performance of the year with eighth, sending the hapless Japanese driver spinning off and ultimately out of the race.

Ocon was ultimately only given a 5sec penalty and finished in the place Tsunoda started – might as well have not been punished at all.

Bizarre exchanges

Sky F1 beaming in world champion pundit Nico Rosberg’s talking head from wherever he is in the world really isn’t working.

Awkward, stunted exchanges between himself and confused drivers and team personnel are all that seem to result – very little incisive comment is offered, although to be fair he didn’t do that much in person either.

It is weirdly entertaining at times though, and also fits the 2016’s champion’s recently cultivated image as a ‘new age’ Bond villain – insufferable bleach-blonde 30-something in a white suite boring the free world into oblivion by lecturing them about green tech through cringey YouTube videos.

One for the Broccolis to consider.

Goin’ up

Put a head sock in it

Paul Di Resta had had enough of David Coulthard’s interview style post-race, and it was caught on the mic.

We all feel that way often enough about the former though – as someone says in the comments: “Di Resta actually with a good call for once.”

Here's Paul Di Resta saying "STOP TALKING" to David Coulthard 😂😂😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/OObHV9liuf

— Alex Gillon (@Alex_Gillon) July 24, 2022

Shining example

Whilst Ferrari looks like it’s been putting the finishing touches to the F1-equivalent of an Michelangelo-eque disasterpiece, Mercedes has been a shining example of how to go about an F1 season.

Apart from a few qualifying efforts gone wrong, both Head Prefect Russell and Saint Hamilton have been remarkably consistent, the car has been almost rock solid, and now Merc sits just 44 points off the Scuderia in the title race.

Pretty embarrassing for Maranello.

Imperious Alonso

Fernando Alonso was warned by his Alpine team that Lando Norris was closing in, but the Spaniard informed them this was actually all part of ‘El Plan’.

“I want him close to kill his tyres,” he confidently replied. Brilliant.