The key Aston Martin F1 pitwall move that gets you to read this article – Up/down in Bahrain

It felt like an almost ‘guaranteed certainty’: massive fanfare for the return of the world’s premier motor sport category, and it turns into an absolute ‘chef’s kiss’ of a dud race – in an event which summoned the atmosphere of the early 2000s Ferrari and Michael Schumacher.

Like the Scuderia in 2000, its 2021 season saw a decent battle against the reigning constructor champions, which went its way. Similar to Ferrari’s 2001, 2022 looked a tad tricky at times for Red Bull, but it was ultimately unchallenged. Now a year on, Milton Keynes looks set to crush the opposition, mirroring the 2002 season which was misery for all but Scuderia fans.

Red Bull’s previous challenger, Mercedes, is already starting to imitate McLaren — Ferrari’s rival of the era — in always emphasising the positives for next year, whilst being lacklustre in the here and now.

Bahrain had all the misery of early 2000s Melbourne about it – plus the human rights issues. Here’s what was going up and down in the desert.

Goin’ Up

Pitwall poker face

Aston Martin showed its ultimate poker face when dealing a disgruntled Fernando Alonso on the radio.

The Spanish inquisitor demanded throughout the race to know who had biffed him from behind early on was and if a penalty had been given – but the pitwall held fast and tight lipped due to the fact that Alonso had been punted by…his paymaster’s son Lance Stroll.

Sailing those choppy waters was Aston’s second-biggest win of the weekend.

😭 pic.twitter.com/biVNAV6LGG

— Ari (@plusariworld) March 5, 2023

Fernando to the rescue

Despite it essentially being a dire race, Alonso did provide some entertainment with some typically swashbuckling moves, manoeuvring past the moaning Silver/Black Arrow drivers (which you could almost hear over the Mercedes-AMG F1 M14 E Performance power units) plus the slow and sometimes-usually-not-steady Carlos Sainz.

Crofty gleefully declared Alonso was the second oldest-man to stand on an F1 podium. Surely not, after the old-man era of Farina, Fangio, Fagioli and Taruffi etc?

Full Gasly

Pierre Gasly impressively shot through the field after a terrible qualifying session left him last, coming through to finish ninth. In inverse success to the misfortune of his friend-turned-enemy-turned-friend Esteban Ocon (highly detailed analysis below).

Miracle worker

Self-proclaimed worse team on the grid Williams, which recently had its mood lightened by new boss James Vowles saying Grove was in an even worse state than he first thought and would take years to sort out, actually looked quite handy in Bahrain.

Alexander Albon was the man leading the charge, bringing home a point, and Logan Sargeant showed good pace too. Maybe it’s not all bad at Williams.

Goin’ down

Negative Ocon effect

Esteban Ocon had the ultimate omni-shambles of a grand prix Sunday.

From bean to cup…it all went wrong. Wrong grid position, then served his requisite penalty incorrectly, got another penalty, then sped in the pitlane.

In its own way, kind of impressive.

Same old Scuderia story

What was supposedly the most surprising moment in the race wasn’t even that surprising, as Charles Leclerc’s Ferrari F12078-something or other conked out mid-race.

Ferrari basically picked up where it left off last season. Disappointingly off the pace, then broke down.

No wonder it was left grasping at straws:

Hey @F1, post the double stack video pls 😘

— Scuderia Ferrari HP (@ScuderiaFerrari) March 6, 2023

McLaren

The worst McLaren weekend in recent memory? Oscar Piastri was nowhere in qualifying, whilst Lando Norris dragged his papaya-coloured brick up to 11th.

Both were beset by reliability issues in the race, while the rest of the field basically suffered none. At least Norris’s pace looked OK at points.

McLaren looked close to a consolation, being three laps away from an IndyCar win in St Petersburg with Pato O’Ward, but an engine issue stymied that as well. Sad.

Racing rights

Bahrain’s high security Jau prison, where political prisoners are held on spurious charges and known to have been tortured, lies just 12km from the circuit.

Outside the track during the weekend, police bravely tackled four peaceful protestors who were holding what appeared to be some highly threatening homemade placards. They were then arrested, detained and later released. Saudi Arabia next week! Harrowing.

BREAKING: Torture survivors & families of political prisoners are staging a protest near Bahrain International Circuit, where @F1 race is about to start.

They are demanding the release of their relatives which are held at notorious Jau Prison,12 Km away from the race.#BahrainGP pic.twitter.com/TYJ0wviuFP

— Sayed Ahmed AlWadaei (@SAlwadaei) March 5, 2023